Sex and Intimacy in Marriage

At Freedom and Hope Biblical Counseling we believe that sex was designed to be the cherry on top of a loving, intimate marriage. True love is putting other peoples wants, needs, thoughts, and desires above your own just as Christ demonstrated with his apostles and the church, washing their feet, and dying for them and us. True intimacy is a relationship that has no secrets between two people and both persons feel completely safe, loved, accepted by the other, and can share their deepest insecurities, fears, emotions, vulnerabilities, and thoughts with the other without fear of rejection, judgement, or it being held over their head. Sex is only as intimate, loving, deep, and mutual, as your relationship is. If your relationship is struggling with addiction, disconnection, secrets, insecurities, fears, volatility, anger, selfishness, hurt, resentment, power and control dynamics, abuse, affairs, or anything else, than sex is only going to perpetuate these behaviors. If your relationship is disconnected, lacks intimacy, there is a lack of love or empathy, than your sex life is also going to be these things.

Sex was designed to be a mutually enjoyable, loving, beneficial, and a bonding experience. Most men think (sometimes without even realizing it) that sex is only for them. Women are designed to experience orgasm, to be sexual, to be aroused by their husband wanting them, and visa versa. A husband's and a wife's body were designed to work flawlessly together for increased mutual pleasure, achieving the best orgasm for both, and the most intimacy and bonding for both. (See our page Sex and God's Design for more on this)

Unfortunately, most men believe and/or behave as if sex is designed to pleasure them solely and that this is their wife's job, to pleasure them. In the man's desire to have orgasm as much as possible and experience pleasure he completely hijacks the process and shortchanges himself and his wife for what God designed it to be. This sadly also effects the woman making her feel like the sex object that her husband treats her as. It takes away all enjoyment of sex (frequently causing it to be painful), any desire to be sexual or to enjoy sex, and any desire to be attractive (make themselves more of a sex object and encourage their husbands advances), or even the ability to feel attractive. It becomes a chore rather than a bonding experience representing the loving relationship that a marriage is supposed to be. Sex needs to be as good for the wife as it is for the husband if its going to be mutually beneficial for any length of time let alone a life time.

When a woman is unable to say "no" to sexual engagement without fear of her husband being angry, disconnected, emotionally distant, or abusive, than she is never truly able to say "yes" or consent. She has no real option, there is a very clear right and wrong answer according to the husband and if she answers wrong she may feel she will be punished. Punishing someone, intentionally or unintentionally because they will not engage sexually is called Sexual Coercion. Unfortunately this is common in romantic relationships and takes many forms including using outright threats, emotional manipulation, badgering, guilt trips, denying affection, making you feel bad about yourself, insisting you have to follow through, over the top affection and compliments, and not giving you a chance to say "no". Many times woman may not realize this is what is going on and they may feel that this is how marriage is. Women may be told that men just have a higher sex drive and get sexually frustrated and that women will never experience the same level of desire for sex. This is inaccurate. (See our page Sex and God's Design for more on this)

Sexual frustration and a desire to have sex when your spouse does not want sex and despite your spouse not wanting sex is a major red flag and a sign that something is wrong in the arousal template and connection. Your spouse is the only thing that is supposed to be arousing you and if you are experiencing sexual arousal by something that is not your spouse this is adultery. If you are not aroused by your spouse and struggle to achieve erection (Erectile Dysfunction) when engaging with them this is a further sign that there is a lack of attraction to your spouse or at the very least your arousal template requires something other than your spouse for you to become fully aroused and erect (porn, fantasy, adrenaline, etc). If you are sexually frustrated because your spouse wont engage with you this is an even further sign that sexual engagement is not about love or mutual enjoyment but personal sexual gratification and orgasm.

We believe that sex should not be happening in a marriage while there are ongoing underlying issues. Many people state that sex is the most intimate act you can engage in with a person and that sex itself is supposed to cause bonding, intimacy, connection and provide "sexual healing" and this is false. When there is no connection, when there is trauma, addiction, abuse, hurt, or pain, sex can only be traumatizing to the used and abused party. Engaging in a vulnerable act with someone that they do not feel loved or cherished by, putting themselves in the most vulnerable position with someone they do not feel safe with and that they will continue to be hurt and rejected by emotionally.

Sex does cause bonding hormones to be released by the woman (oxytocin) when it is engaged in in a loving, mutual way and the woman feels cherished, and achieves orgasm. This causes the man and woman to feel more bonded. The man is supposed to feel a sense of responsibility toward the woman (his wife), a desire to take care of her, please her, meet her needs, and feel deeply bonded to her. The two are supposed to become one, in flesh, mind and spirit. It is an intimate and vulnerable act that is SUPPOSED to be a SYMBOL of a deep connection in the marital relationship, and the fruition and consummation of passion, love, commitment, and connection. But is rarely that and has been cheapened to a means of orgasm by whatever means and whomever

is most available or most arousing at the time. Using their wife or husband (or anyone) to fulfill their fantasies of others, or using them for sex WHILE fantasizing about others, to de-stress after a long day, to sleep better at night, to make themselves feel better about themselves, to make a trip, holiday, or night out more exciting, or a means of power and control.

If you can relate to any of this we recommend reaching out to a counselor on our team for help on how to heal and address this dynamic.

"But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1 Corinthians 7:2-5

"We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly person who does his will" John 9:31

"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman with lust as committed adultery with her in his heart" Matthew 5:28

"The LORD is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayers of the righteous." Proverbs 15:29

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." 1 Peter 3:7

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45

"It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant." Matthew 20:26

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:3-4

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body." Ephesians 5:25-30

"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous." Hebrews 13:4

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives" 1Peter 3:1

"As iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17

"Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good morals" 1 Corinthians 15:33

"Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord" Ephesians 5:22

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." 1 Corinthians 6:9

"And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9

"But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." Matthew 5:32

"He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself." Proverbs 6:32

"Those who love discipline love knowledge, but fools hate any kind of correction." Proverbs 12:1

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:24

"He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19: 4-6

"But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." 1 Corinthians 7:2

"To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them." 1 Corinthians 7: 10-17

"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." 1 Corinthians 6:15-20