Sex and God's Design

At Freedom and Hope Biblical Counseling we believe that sex was designed to be the cherry on top of a loving, intimate marriage. True love is putting other peoples wants, needs, thoughts, and desires above your own just as Christ demonstrated with his apostles and the church, washing their feet, and dying for them and us. 1 Corinthians 13:13, "And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." Charity is the word that was previously used for "love". Charity is defined as giving, generosity, and putting others before yourself. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." These verses are frequently used in wedding ceremonies however few people really know what this means or what this would look like to enact.

True intimacy is a relationship that has no secrets between two people and both persons feel completely safe, loved, accepted by the other, and can share their deepest insecurities, fears, emotions, vulnerabilities, and thoughts with the other without fear of rejection, judgement, or it being held over their head, and knowing that they are loved. Sex is only as intimate, loving, deep, and mutual, as your relationship is. If your relationship is struggling with addiction, disconnection, secrets, insecurities, fears, volatility, anger, selfishness, hurt, resentment, power and control dynamics, abuse, affairs, or anything else, than sex is only going to perpetuate these behaviors. If your relationship is disconnected, lacks intimacy, there is a lack of love or empathy, than your sex life is also going to be these things.

Sex was designed to be a mutually enjoyable, loving, beneficial, and a bonding experience. Most men think (sometimes without even realizing it) that sex is only for them. Women are designed to experience orgasm, to be sexual, to be aroused by their husband wanting them, and visa versa. A husband's and a wife's body were designed to work flawlessly together for increased mutual pleasure, achieving the best orgasm for both, and the most intimacy and bonding for both.

Unfortunately, most men believe and/or behave as if sex is designed to pleasure them solely and that this is their wife's job. In the man's desire to have orgasm as much as possible and experience pleasure he completely hijacks the process and shortchanges himself and his wife for what God designed it to be. Women are designed to enjoy and desire sex just as much as their husbands, as scripture states, that women should have their own husband to avoid fornication and that their husband needs to fulfill their wife's conjugal rights because women also are designed to experience desire. This is backed up by a woman's biology and physiology, the way their sex organs work, showing their design by God which was for sex to be an incredibly bonding and pleasurable experience for them. This is further shown by the fact that a woman has a clitoris which houses 10,000 nerve endings for pleasure and lengthens and swells when aroused up to 9cm, extending inside the woman to make sex even more pleasurable for her as it pushed up against her vagina. 9cm is larger than most male's unaroused penis but only a small portion of the clitoris is visible on the outside. Clitoris stimulation is designed to be so pleasurable that most women can achieve orgasm just by stimulation of it without penetration. Clitoral excitement also changes the lining of the reproductive tract to make it more likely that conception will occur. Women also have the G-sport or erogenous zone inside the vagina designed for orgasm through penetration. When engaging in sex both the clitoris and G-spot are designed to be stimulated leading to a longer orgasm than most men can experience. Female Orgasms can last 20 seconds or more, while male orgasms typically lasts about 3 to max 10 seconds. When a man and a woman's sex organs are starting to climax they both harden in a way that is designed to help them both to achieve orgasm at the exact same moment. Sadly, most women fake orgasm (sounds or body movements) to end the experience as quickly as possible and the man has no idea. Research has shown that "80 percent faked orgasms during vaginal intercourse at least half of the time...The study found 25 percent of the women faked it 90 percent of the time " and "Women fake orgasms - this we know. But did you also know that 80 percent are moaning and groaning not only when they are absolutely not climaxing or coming anywhere near it, but when they are fervently wishing for the whole thing to be over? ",

"Researchers found that women are often quietest when they are actually receiving pleasure, like during oral sex or foreplay. They make the most erotic noises when sex starts feeling uncomfortable or when they get bored. They also get noisy when they sense their partner is ready to climax - to boost their partner's self esteem, many reported. The study's authors say woman use vocalizations to "manipulate male behavior to their advantage," but since, as an MSNBC columnist pointed out, some well-meaning men are so fixated on making his partner climax that he won't stop until he thinks she has. Most women, the researchers said, were just faking it to be nice." CBS NEWS

Research shows that 80 percent of women fake orgasms half the time and the remaining percentage fake it even more than the 80 percent! Men tend to judge a woman's pleasure based on vocalization which comes from the porn industry and is actually a sign that a woman is bored or uncomfortable and that she wants the sexual engagement to end as quickly as possible!

Many women have been trained to view their orgasm as a nuisance and their body as a puzzle that is complicated and difficult to achieve pleasure or orgasm. This is not the case biologically and should not be the case unless they are with an unloving, disconnected, and/or abusive partner or they have been in the past. There can be a lot of pressure put on the woman to perform for the man during sex, to achieve orgasm to make him feel good about himself and his sexual prowess and/or to give him the greenlight so that he can finish and orgasm. Most of us have been taught to believe that sex is designed to pleasure men and that the woman being pleasured is a sign of an incredible lover. How sad that what should be the norm is considered unique or incredible. Unfortunately today it IS incredibly unique for a man to be connected to their spouse, in tune with her body, and concerned about her pleasure.

Biologically a woman's body is designed for it to be easy for her to experience pleasure and reach climax. A woman has more pleasure nerves than a man and more erogenous (pleasure) zones all over her body (neck, inner wrists, breasts, stomach, buttocks, clitoris, vagina), it is designed to be easy to pleasure a woman and for her to experience intense pleasure when engaging sexually with her loving spouse. The woman's vagina is designed to self-lubricate when aroused to make it more pleasurable for her and the man. Rather than helping their wife to feel aroused and loved so she can lubricate on her own most men opt for store bought lubricants so they don't have to put in any work in or figure out why their wife is not lubricating or feeling aroused (many men may not even know a woman can lubricate due to inundation with porn or never being taught to pleasure a woman). It is very common for the wife or woman to agree to store bought lubricant instead of trying to get aroused so that her duty can be done, they don't have to worry their husband will go somewhere else for sex or orgasm, and the experience can be over with as quickly as possible. The man's penis and a woman's vagina are made out of the same type of soft, sensitive skin that wont cause abrasion and will be the most pleasurable and sensitive to touch. The head of a mans penis (phallus impudicus) is designed to simulate the woman's G-spot perfectly for her to achieve orgasm. The woman's vagina also is designed to morph and mold over time to her husbands penis making it even more pleasurable for both of them and easier and easier over time to achieve orgasm for both. The woman's body and vagina is also designed perfectly for the man to achieve orgasm including a woman's breasts which release oxytocin during sex and orgasm so that the man and woman will feel more bonded. With all the biology and physiology it is blatantly obvious that sex was designed to pleasure both the man and the woman but even more-so the woman!

Unfortunately, a woman is much more susceptible to lack of sexual arousal due to a woman being designed for connection and being more emotionally in tune. A woman is designed to love her husband and to strive for connection with him and her family, this is why she brings up issues because she wants a strong and loving connection. This was God's design so that relationships will be healthy and connected. A man and a woman are designed to balance each other perfectly. If a woman feels any lack of connection with their partner or any sense of either emotional or physical unsafety than it can be almost impossible to experience arousal until they feel safe and connected again. Common reasons for inability to feel arousal is if they have experienced trauma, if there is anxiety around sex from past or present experiences, if they feel unsafe, if they feel unloved, if they have low self esteem, feelings of low worth, poor body image, negative thoughts, or if there are current relationship issues. Men in reverse tend to use sex as a means to sooth their anxieties, stressors, feelings of low self-esteem, lack of worth, insecurity, and can use sex as a means of feeling that everything is okay in the relationship because sex happened, in an attempt to avoid conflict, rather than addressing the relationship issues that are currently occurring. What commonly ends up happening is the woman feels there are issues that need to be addressed, they feel unloved, or unattractive, or anxious and may not feel aroused or want to engage sexually. Their anxiety increases and their emotional distress is exacerbated when the man wants to engage in sex, to sooth these vary things for themselves rather than addressing the issues so that they can be resolved. The woman further feels used, unloved, unsafe, and anxious about needing to pleasure the man so that he is not hurt, upset, angry, emotionally distant, and more disconnected from her due to her lack of desire for or her desire to address issues first. God designed for men to solve issues and to receive dopamine (pleasure) from solving issues. Men are supposed to be the protectors of their spouse and family and to be able to address conflict and to want to handle conflict. When their wife shares she feels unsafe or disconnected or that there is an issue the man, as the protector, should feel motivated to protect her, and to solve the issue that is causing disconnection or hurt and pain which in turned makes her feel loved and most likely would lead to sex afterwards. God's design is always perfect.

It is so typical of Satan to twist the truth and make men believe women are meant to serve them, women are the issue for wanting emotional connection and bringing up issues, and that women are just sex objects for their own pleasure. The truth is that women are designed for intense sexual pleasure even more-so than a man can experience, and the man is designed to serve, pleasure, and protect the woman. What's even more ironic is that most men fantasize about having a woman who respects and loves them, a woman who loves sex, a woman moaning and experiencing intense pleasure, initiating for sex, or just wanting to please them. Most men are upset that their wife is not initiating for sex or that she doesn't seem to enjoy sex, all while simultaneously refusing to pleasure her, make her feel safe, love her, romance her, cherish her, be attracted to her, or (maybe unintentionally) acknowledge that she is anything more than a sex object for their own orgasm. Even the fact that in most porn women are hypersexual and men fantasize about women being hypersexual and wanting sex is a testament to the fact that they know the truth, which is that women are supposed to want sex and enjoy sex. They however do not want to do their part in helping a woman to be aroused, serving and romancing her, and instead prefer a disconnection, prostitutes, affair partners, objectification, pornography, or to fantasize so they can make it all about achieving their own orgasm. Unintentionally, or intentionally, men try to make women okay with objectification and try to make a woman's desire for love and connection a problem, hoping they will become emotionless and disconnected so that they will be okay with being used. How sad that Satan hijacks everything God has made and takes all pleasure, enjoyment, and fulfillment out of it. We believe the lie that selfishness is what provides the most pleasure, will make us feel loved and desired, and will secure our orgasm rather than the true design which is love, connection, bonding, putting our spouse before ourselves, addressing issues, and mutual enjoyment (See our page Our View on Biblical Purity and Marriage for more on this). Selfishness always causes distance in the marriage, lack of desire for sex for the woman, and is the means of bringing to fruition the very fear the men have which is that they wont be respected, loved, desired, valued, that the woman will someday leave, and that they wont be seen as a good man or good husband. God designed the man to be a servant/slave leader. Jesus came to serve and because He served others, put others needs above His own, and died on the cross for us, we want to serve Him and give our lives to Him. Because God is so good we want to serve Him. When the man is serving, protecting, and pleasuring the woman, all of his desires, needs, and wants will be met as well. He will have a wife who respects him, loves him, wants sex, sex will be way more pleasurable for him and for her, and she will want to help him in any way. By believing the lies Satan tells us we only get to experience 10% of the pleasure and fulfillment God has designed sex to be and even that little 10% is tainted by shame, guilt, secrets, anxiety, insecurity, resentment, etc. and eventually leads to divorce, affairs, financial ruin, trauma, and sexual dysfunction, to name a few.

If you can relate to any of this we recommend reaching out to a counselor on our team for help on how to heal and address this dynamic.

"But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1 Corinthians 7:2-5

"We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly person who does his will" John 9:31

"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman with lust as committed adultery with her in his heart" Matthew 5:28

"The LORD is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayers of the righteous." Proverbs 15:29

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." 1 Peter 3:7

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45

"It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant." Matthew 20:26

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:3-4

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body." Ephesians 5:25-30

"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous." Hebrews 13:4

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives" 1Peter 3:1

"As iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17

"Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good morals" 1 Corinthians 15:33

"Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord" Ephesians 5:22

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." 1 Corinthians 6:9

"And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9

"But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." Matthew 5:32

"He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself." Proverbs 6:32

"Those who love discipline love knowledge, but fools hate any kind of correction." Proverbs 12:1

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:24

"He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19: 4-6

"But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." 1 Corinthians 7:2

"To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them." 1 Corinthians 7: 10-17

"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." 1 Corinthians 6:15-20